An Open Letter

How could you not even consider me? Why didn’t you factor me in? Doing things selfishly with no regard as to how it would affect the people around you. I’m angry, I’m so mad but I’m not allowed to show that side of me. I pull it together for you, bury my feelings deep down for you. This is getting heavy…how much can I bend until I break? What if I didn’t have anything left in me? What if this is the thing that would of broken me? You didn’t think about me. I always think of you, I consider the people I love. I looked for ways out, a way to escape you, I couldn’t.

Now I feel trapped more than ever. My heart hurts, do you even care? Who is going to comfort me, when my safe space is the cause my pain? What about my sobriety? You know how much it means to me, What if this made me drink? Do you even care? You know my history, what if this made me actually jump this time? What if it made me swallow all the pills? You didn’t care enough to think of me. I always think of you. Love isn’t suppose to hurt this bad, it isn’t suppose to carry so much anguish.

Am I a fool? Have I been blinded? Are you a wolf under that sheeps clothing?

I thought I knew better. You make me question my intelligence. You make me question my sanity, You make me question god. You knew how good I was doing, you knew I found my purpose and meaning in life. Why couldn’t you Let me be happy? Did you need to experience me that bad? My heart is broken, completely shattered. I’m embarrassed at times, I’m confused, but still I defend you. I put my feelings aside, I allow people to think and speak negatively about me, I allow them to view me as a monster, for you. Is my loyalty one-sided? If the roles were reversed would you be there for me? Could I count on you? You’re probably not to be trusted since you brought me to this place in my life. I feel guilty, I hate that I hold these feelings towards you, I feel like I’m betraying you by being upset, but I feel betrayed. I just wish you would of thought of me.

My heart won’t let me walk away, so I’ll always be here. I know how bad you’ve been hurt but you could of talked to me, why didn’t you listen? I warned you, I told you. I held you while you cried, I knew what it was doing to you, I knew those lies were making you sick, I knew It was a terminal disease. You know I never judged you, how could I? I still don’t. Man I feel guilty , I feel bad. Is there something I didn’t see? Did I ignore you? Why couldn’t you confide in me? Didn’t I take your feelings seriously? I have so many questions without answers. I told you I was tired of being strong, I was tired of always carrying the burden of everyone else. I wanted to be vulnerable with you, I wanted to feel safe. Why didn’t you think of me?