FAITH

I think we all for the most part think of the same thing when we hear the word faith .. instantly we attach that word to religion , and although it can be it also means “complete trust and confidence in something or someone”.

I realized walking by faith is the only way to make it in this world . Faith in ourselves , faith in our destiny , faith that things will work out , faith that we are making the right decisions . Most of us have heard the law of attraction the idea that what we put out we get back. That is faith .

We can’t just put “good vibes” out or “think positively” you have to really believe it and move with intention. You have to believe with every fiber in your body that you’re capable of anything and deserving of everything you desire. You have to believe that what is for you is already yours . You also have to trust that every obstacle has a meaning , you have to have faith that it’s there for a reason and is only leading you to a better outcome .

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. ‘” — Jeremiah 29:11.

The verse above is one of my favorite Bible verses and always has been even in times when my faith and belief in god was rocky and even non existent, that verse always comforted me and always gave me hope . Because I do believe all of us are meant to prosper in our life , we are meant to do good and feel good , we are meant to have what we want, and live a life we are happy with and deserving of .

I urge everyone to walk by faith… I have a tendency to look at the negatives in life and I allow them to eat me up inside , I have to pull myself out of those bad habits and remember to turn my thinking around, and the moment I do and relinquish control and have faith that things will work themselves out they do … there’s nothing to big, if anything what you want probably isn’t big enough .

There is a power much greater than any of us , it’s all already written . Have faith in your destiny.

White picket fence

I haven’t posted on here in a long time , I blame it on being intensely medicated on anti depressants and anxiety medication taking up to 6 pills a day to combat wanting to jump off a bridge from being low or crawl out of my skin from being anxious . As well as completely numbing every creative bone in my body … I was just “getting by” not really living this past year . Needless to say I’m better now and am only on 1 pill a day and holistically healing my other issues .

A lot happened in the past year , my life flipped up side down for the absolute worst to only flip right side up for the absolute best … or is it ? I have everything I prayed for , everything I dreamed of as a kid . I’m happy , newly engaged , hunting for my first home , I’m in love and feel loved , My family is happy and healthy , and I’m looking forward to having a baby finally (soon not just yet). But why isn’t that enough ? Why isn’t anything ever enough ?

I’ve realized happiness is fleeting for me , it comes momentarily only to disappear . My thoughts are intrusive and storm in out of nowhere like an avalanche . Life is tricky , it’s not until you look back do you really appreciate it and express pure genuine gratitude. Even when life is great and should be painless it always seems painful to me in some way .

Sometimes I wanna run away , pack my things and disappear into the night . Not leaving a note , not a trace , and making sure my whereabouts are never disclosed … Not to start over , just to be alone . Completely and utterly alone . But as much as that sounds so appealing to me I also know the other side of me . The people person , the family person , how much I love my friends , my life , my fiancé and my unborn children … therefore I can’t do that . But it’s a satisfying thought .

I guess my point is I got my white picket fence … So now what ? Where do I find my joy ? Joy that lays dormant even in hard times but more importantly joy that is here even in the good times because that’s when I need it the most . It’s easy to accept being unhappy in difficult times , it makes sense . It’s hard to comprehend being depressed and deeply unhappy in good times .

1 Year Sober

When I first got sober , so many people in AA would tell me to get ready for a hard first year , once the pink cloud cleared and all the feel goods of being sober drifted away it became hands down one of the toughest years of my adult life . Treacherous uphill battles that I’m sure would of happened rather I was sober or drinking but the fact that they did happen the year I decided to leave my “medicine” behind makes me wonder what gods plan was .

At times I felt like god or the universe or SOMETHING had it out for me , wanted me to work hard for my sobriety . I experienced a death of someone I loved dearly , I experienced heart break , a traumatizing incident with ones I love , physical altercations , deception from close friends and so much more . I thought it would break me , for the past 2 months every single day I’ve wanted to drink , every single day I managed to stay sober . I knew picking up the bottle wasn’t going to fix things , it never has before and never will , but still I wanted to so badly , not to fix anything but to just take the stress and pain away for one second , I convinced myself at times I needed it , that the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I made excuse after excuse as to why I should feel bad for myself .

So why didn’t I drink?

Part of it is probably my head strong personality and my determination , I’m not a quitter. But the large majority was god , it was my relationship with a higher power and surrounding myself with people who feel the same . Being in rooms full of sober individuals who have seen the worst of the world and who have also participated in being destructive members of society found a way to stay sober . But I’ve also seen people with decades of sobriety under their belt suddenly drink. This is truly a gift and it’s so fragile because at any day you could decide to drink and for most of us it’s life or death so essentially you’re making a decision to ruin your life or even die . Even if at first it doesn’t get you , eventually it will . I experienced moments of dry drunkness which means being the same person I am drunk but sober . Easily angered , combative , rude , arrogant , deceptive , manipulative. The thing about AA and recovery is you don’t just have to stop drinking you have to stop your bullshit too . It’s something I have to work hard at every second of the day to stop myself from being the mother fucker that I once was and many times I fall short .

If it weren’t for my meetings I would of drank by now and I would of fucked my life up once more . Without god I wouldn’t of made it , I hope this next year brings me joy and happiness , I hope my sobriety stays strong and I’m able to take it one day at a time , today feels better than my birthday because it’s something I worked so incredibly hard for and didn’t expect to make it this far . It truly is only ONE day at a time .

Month 10 of sobreity

First off who the fuck would of thought? not me! Trust me, not in a million years did I ever imagine not drinking, yet here I am. If you feel like it’s impossible for you or someone you love to get sober than you really haven’t seen some of the most hopeless people turn their lives around.Like so many of us in recovery have, it’s legitimately unreal.

Sometimes it doesn’t take hitting rock bottom to change your life and circumstances, I hit what I would consider “rock bottom” a couple times more than one should and I still didn’t see the issue with my drinking, I couldn’t realize how damn near every problem in my life stemmed from using. At first you don’t put together how drinking has any effect on say your sleep, or schedule, your job, your friend group, your looks, self care, your relationships, your self esteem, your attitude, ect… The alcoholic doesn’t have to be drunk every day to fuck up their life. They’re dry drunks, even when we are sober in between drinking we are assholes, we still have the alcoholic state of mind even when we are sober.

A lot of us are selfish, ungrateful, take zero responsibility for our actions and blame it on whatever trauma w’ve experienced and found justification for being an alcoholic. As people we have this idea that we are unique in our experiences, truth is we aren’t at all. That’s just our ego. While we may not live the exact same lives we all go through a lot of the same shit, we all are humans and trauma has a great affect on us. Most of us aren’t familiar with how to deal with our emotions, or fears, our character defects.

We have a responsibility as humans to get our shit together and overcome our hardships no matter what they may be, or how long it takes. AA has created an environment where we can do just that. I always found it ironic that people would judge others for getting clean, or being in AA, or in treatment, or whatever it is they need to save their life and evolve as a person. It’s almost like talking shit about a fat person at the gym. Why? you talk about them being overweight then you talk about them trying to better themselves. Understand that people will talk and they may not always understand or care to understand, they aren’t your problem. Hurt people , hurt people.

I can only thank god for getting me this far, 2 months shy of a year and never would of I thought I could Go a week without a sip let alone 10 months. It’s get better, it works if you work it.

Release me

You have your hands wrapped so tightly around my neck, I am suffocating…

…..Release me

Every morning I wake up with a heaviness, So much of my future undetermined. Why even make plans? Life just gets in the way of them. I stand in the mirror staring into my eyes just to see if they really are the window to my soul. I don’t recognize myself sometimes. I see glimpse of who I think I am or who I guess I’m familiar with, but for the most part I see nothing at all.

I feel numb some days and then on other days I feel everything. My mood is forever changing. I feel so crazy , I feel fucking insane. I pride myself on not being overly emotional but lately they’re out of control. How did I become this? Who is this person? I’m not happy, not with myself, not with you and not with us. But I love you to much, or maybe I love the idea that someone loves me more than I love them . How did we get here?

” I wish you well my love, hope you can tell my love, I’d dim my light so you can shine and you prevail, my love.”

You tell me the right things but your past actions have been contradicting to your words. I try.. I tried. I don’t have much left in me. I give you so much of myself that there’s nothing left for me. We are suppose to make each other better, stronger, be each others backbone. So why do I feel like I’m drowning? Your burdens are too heavy. I can’t make room for anymore of your baggage, Mine is enough. They can’t both fit. When will you carry some of the weight?

I am still here, I just needed to vent.

An Open Letter

How could you not even consider me? Why didn’t you factor me in? Doing things selfishly with no regard as to how it would affect the people around you. I’m angry, I’m so mad but I’m not allowed to show that side of me. I pull it together for you, bury my feelings deep down for you. This is getting heavy…how much can I bend until I break? What if I didn’t have anything left in me? What if this is the thing that would of broken me? You didn’t think about me. I always think of you, I consider the people I love. I looked for ways out, a way to escape you, I couldn’t.

Now I feel trapped more than ever. My heart hurts, do you even care? Who is going to comfort me, when my safe space is the cause my pain? What about my sobriety? You know how much it means to me, What if this made me drink? Do you even care? You know my history, what if this made me actually jump this time? What if it made me swallow all the pills? You didn’t care enough to think of me. I always think of you. Love isn’t suppose to hurt this bad, it isn’t suppose to carry so much anguish.

Am I a fool? Have I been blinded? Are you a wolf under that sheeps clothing?

I thought I knew better. You make me question my intelligence. You make me question my sanity, You make me question god. You knew how good I was doing, you knew I found my purpose and meaning in life. Why couldn’t you Let me be happy? Did you need to experience me that bad? My heart is broken, completely shattered. I’m embarrassed at times, I’m confused, but still I defend you. I put my feelings aside, I allow people to think and speak negatively about me, I allow them to view me as a monster, for you. Is my loyalty one-sided? If the roles were reversed would you be there for me? Could I count on you? You’re probably not to be trusted since you brought me to this place in my life. I feel guilty, I hate that I hold these feelings towards you, I feel like I’m betraying you by being upset, but I feel betrayed. I just wish you would of thought of me.

My heart won’t let me walk away, so I’ll always be here. I know how bad you’ve been hurt but you could of talked to me, why didn’t you listen? I warned you, I told you. I held you while you cried, I knew what it was doing to you, I knew those lies were making you sick, I knew It was a terminal disease. You know I never judged you, how could I? I still don’t. Man I feel guilty , I feel bad. Is there something I didn’t see? Did I ignore you? Why couldn’t you confide in me? Didn’t I take your feelings seriously? I have so many questions without answers. I told you I was tired of being strong, I was tired of always carrying the burden of everyone else. I wanted to be vulnerable with you, I wanted to feel safe. Why didn’t you think of me?

Find your light

Life is truly up and down , one minute you’re thriving living amazingly and the next minute you want to load a gun put it in your mouth and squeeze .

I don’t mean to sound dark but I do mean to be honest , 90% of us have felt like this … we get tired of living but we are to scared to die , or better yet to hopeful. Deep down we know things will get better , we’ve fallen so many times we know the pattern and we know the road always leads to the light again .

Sometimes it feels like we have no more light in us . That we are becoming dim or even burnt out . We lay in darkness until 4 in the afternoon convincing ourselves and others that we feel “sick” we simply just “don’t feel good”. Perhaps we don’t … our feelings and thoughts have manifested themselves into physical pain so that our bodies may better understand them. We don’t eat , or we overeat . We don’t sleep or we can’t wake up . We don’t cry or we ball our eyes out . Not even a million dollars would change the feelings we have in us . It hurts … makes us feel sick , makes us feel alone , like no one could possibly understand this emptiness , and nothing can fill this void.

Find your light .

A broken bone doesn’t heal over night , a cut doesn’t suddenly become a scar . It bleeds , it stings , it’s annoying and uncomfortable , it gets itchy , it scabs over and then it’s healed .

Our hearts are the same way … they’re broken , they are bleeding , we are uncomfortable, full of emotions and anxieties , we scab over. Maybe we become bitter , closed off , promiscuous, or even cold. With time it heals. We heal . We are scarred but we are not broken

Find your light .

I don’t know what anyone is going through . A death , a divorce or breakup , financial problems , family issues , and issues with yourself whatever they may be . But if you’re still breathing then just keep breathing let time pass , one minute at a time . In you there’s light , find it . Find it slowly or find it quickly take as much time as you need but don’t let it go out . Keep shining . You’ll be ok . Enjoy this life.

SingleSexy&Sober

Never in a million years would I think I be six months sober, actually rewind. NEVER in my life did I even think I would NEED to get sober, in fact I judged others for the amount they did or didn’t drink, for the way they behaved when they did, and I assumed I was nothing like that. I thought I didn’t have a problem because I didn’t drink everyday and I hear that a lot in the rooms of AA. It’s a common misconception that an alcoholic drinks everyday, that they feen for their next drink, that they have trouble functioning. I’m here to tell you that is not true.

In fact most alcoholics who are only addicted to the drink can function. People you least expect are functioning alcoholics. As for me I never drank everyday, granted I would have days that I would drink every night and then I wouldn’t , however I always thought about the drink . Any celebration “where’s the alcohol?” , any vacation “where’s the fucking alcohol?” , when I’m sad “where’s the alcohol?” Oh my happy hour ?? “Let’s drink”

That obsession to alcohol was always in me even when I didn’t quite realize it yet . I told my sponsor I was addicted to alcohol I just didn’t know how to act once I consumed it … she said “great so quitting will be easy” it absolutely wasn’t . See at first I was up for the challenge , excited about this new way of life , having a new community , just like having a newborn baby that excitement (the pink cloud) we call it dies down and the hard work sets in . I was absolutely Fucking insane the first 60 days. Dream after dream about drinking and suddenly waking up thanking god it wasn’t real .

When I drank it was in excess… I couldn’t quite understand how people casually sipped alcohol , socially drank . I drank to get drunk , to get absolutely wasted and see where the night takes me . I drank on dates to ensure my confidence , I drank at the gym to take away the annoyance of the workout, I drank at happy hour just to be apart of something . It’s not how often I drank or how much I consumed that made me an alcoholic it’s how I behaved when I drank .

I think we have this idea that we are suppose to act crazy when we drink , that, that behavior is normal and acceptable when you’re intoxicated. The way I behaved was an entirely different human no matter what liquor, beer , or wine I consumed. I had an allergy to alcohol and it made me crazy .

I won’t dive into the dark parts of my drinking and the roads it lead me down , there’s a time and place and I’ll save that for my book . I will tell you I got tired of myself , my insanity , my inability to deal with issues without alcohol , my inability to have fun without alcohol , who I became when I was drinking … I just got tired and I knew it was time to walk away. I had to put down the bottle , so I did. While it hasn’t been easy , and temptation lurks around every corner , I’m happier than I’ve ever been . The best decision I ever made for myself was getting sober . I’m far more confident, nicer , spiritual, loving , I care more about those around me , I’m happy, and I’m content . All I can say is cheers (with my seltzer water) to six months.

Step 2 – “came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”

Lies keep us sick

I’m sitting in Brooklyn , NY where I live … staring at the water , enjoying the sunset , lights , and people . Thinking about how I only wished I would live here one day , that I would have this life . Now I do and I attained it by being honest about where I was in order to get to where I am, I called myself out on my bullshit .

I lived a life before now full of lies , having to lie as a child for my mother and then carried those lies into my adulthood to protect myself , manipulate others , and keep me safe (So I thought) but really it was pathological, embedded in my DNA .

TRUTH is lies keep us sick … they create a deep inability to attach . I rather someone hate me for the truth than love me for a lie . Lies make sense to us in the moment when we are telling them and the truth seems impossible to roll off our tongues in moments of distress . Depending on our situations the truth can be scary, even terrifying. We are scared of what we may lose , so we rather keep it by lying .

Lying doesn’t only hurt others but it hurts us , when we start to lie so much we start believing our lies , making it hard to differentiate our realities . You’ve told others so many lies and your self that it becomes second nature , like breathing . We unintentionally start creating a reality around us and the people involved that is not true , that is not real . The anxiety that comes with that for most of us is unbearable , because everything done in the dark must come to the light so here we are waiting for our bullshit to be exposed … any day now .

How can we love unconditionally based on lies ? How can we have unwavering loyalty based off lies? How can we trust ? How can we communicate which is the basis of relationships, we lay our foundation with the truth , that is the number one building block , if it’s not the truth then it’s a facade waiting to be exposed . By lying you create broken relationships before they have a chance .

Now I won’t sit here and say I don’t lie , anyone who says they don’t , the truth is not in them . However it’s important to admit your lies at some point and reconcile , admit them to the person you’ve lied to , to yourself , and to god . You have one shot at this life… only one , use this time wisely , use it to comfort others , to help and not harm. Set aside your childish cowardly ways and step into your truth for “the truth shall set u free”

Why aren’t you perfect?

I’ve talked about my imperfections time and time again, so it’s no secret that I am far from perfect like most of us. I’ve done shit that I could barely admit to myself let alone another person. So why do I expect such flawlessness out of my partner? Why do I expect him to be perfect?

Someone once told me what we hate in other people is really what we hate in ourselves. I sit here and preach about loving people unconditionally regardless of their past, what they have and have not done is not important if they no longer have those character defects. There’s a saying in AA humbly asking god to remove our shortcomings, we pray that he remove every single character defect, and he will but not without us willing to change. See my character defects are the judgement of others while expecting not to be judged .

I’ve changed a lot from the savage I use to be, I found every possible way to put my partner down for his past, I would cut him with my tongue like a knife. Why? because I was projecting my feelings towards myself, and my past onto him. It took me maturing and therapy to figure all that out of course. All the problems I’ve learned to address within myself has taken years and will continue to take years .

I caught myself thinking and acting a little bit like my old self, this idea that somehow I am above others because my past no longer haunts me, because I didn’t carry baggage into my current life. That’s not true. Maybe my baggage isn’t a felony, isn’t kids by different people, isn’t a messy divorce, isn’t anything tangible, but its there. My baggage is my inability to drink, the fact that I’m in AA, its the fact that I go to therapy couple times a month, it’s the 6 pills I take everyday for my mental health, it’s my panic attacks that disrupt me living a normal life. So who the fuck am I to judge a person for their baggage? How is theirs better or worse than mine? It’s just simply their unique individual past.

Truth is life is messy, people are a mess, and sometimes we aren’t pretty, neither are the things we have done, but thats ok. Of course I will still have unpleasant negative ass thoughts, as well as flaws of my own, but it’s important to stop and recognize them and give your partner grace, allow them to be imperfect and to grow from that, allow them to at least try to love you like you should be loved, and overcome their past and all its obstacles.

” We do not regret our past, nor do we wish to shut the door on it”