Grieving the living

So let me start off by saying yesterday was the most random day of my life. I have been in rural Tennessee since the pandemic started and I had to leave the busy city of New York . ( oh how I miss it ) But my parents who live in Los Angeles suggested I come see them and spend the second half of my quarantine in LA. I most definitely wasn’t going to turn that offer down . I am here now, and Must say an ocean view and warm weather makes quarantine much easier to manage.

I boarded my flight yesterday from ATL to LAX. It wasn’t full at all and their were lots of empty seats and of course everyone was required to wear a mask. But under one particular persons mask I was able to make out some familiar eyes, and then familiar tattoos, and a familiar memory. It was my ex .

Now a little quick back story. I lost my virginity to him at 15 and we were in young love, which eventually grew into adult love. We ended our relationship 5 years ago and when we did we never spoke again. No calls, text, social media, nothing was exchanged. I moved out of the state so that I never had to endure the pain of running into him . That breakup devastated me like nothing else I’ve ever experienced and I’ve experienced a lot of shit. He moved on immediately after me and left me with a billion pieces to pick up. I went to Maine in a tiny cabin where I sobbed and had no access to the outside world. I eventually moved into my grandmothers in the middle of fucking Kansas and refused to eat or speak to anyone. I was less than 100 pounds at one point. I called psychics every night and tried to find clarity and understanding. I was broken .

Slowly I picked up the pieces over the years but always felt a little broken. It wasn’t until November 2019 only six months ago that I finally got rid of everything he ever gave me and things that reminded me of him. Trufthfully I never fully opened my heart up since that break up.

UNITL NOW

I got off the plane and made up my mind I was going to go up to him and speak after a four hour plane ride debating if I had it in me to do so. I walked up to him at baggage claim and said “hi”. Sweats on , tank top, no makeup and messy bun. This was not exactly how I pictured running into him . OH and believe me I’ve pictured it many times. He responded with hello and I could tell he was extremely shocked. Our conversation lasted 20 seconds. I basically just said I wanted to say hi and I hope he is well . He said the same, then we went our separate ways. As I walked away I never felt so happy and light. I felt nothing for him. Not a thing for this man that I spent years feeling empty from losing him. I was free you guys. Understand my words, I was FREE. Free from wondering, free from feeling like I failed at a relationship, free from wondering why not me, and free from him. I don’t believe in organized religion . It genuinely makes me uncomfortable. But I believe in god and the universe . The odds of me running into this person on a plane in a city I don’t live in during a pandemic are slim to none. God did that for me. He gave me such a beautiful and much needed blessing. He gave me closure. But most of all he gave me peace.

Time heals all wounds. It’s so hard to believe that when you’re going through a hard time that feels like their is no end in sight. I never thought I would recover from the pain I felt, or that I would find anyone and if I did would I be able to give my heart to them fully. I can tell you 100% there is love after loss. There is forgiveness , there is understanding, there is someone else. Trust the process, trust yourself and trust whatever higher power or energy you believe in. Life goes on.

Ive never felt better and been happier . That 1 in a million experience is something I will appreciate for the rest of my life.

I am healed.

Finally.

Self-Isolation : Coronavirus Quarantine

If you live on planet earth then you probably are familiar with the fucking coronavirus ! Well about 8 weeks ago I left the busy city of New York to fly down to Chattanooga, Tennessee and self isolate with my best friend . Given that my job in New York closed and the city has become the epicenter for the virus I got the hell out of there before it was too late .

I must say it’s been a stressful 8 weeks . I’ve gone through so many phases . The shocked phase, the fearful phase worrying about my family and people all over the world and how it would effect them , the conspiracy phase , and the horny and irritated phase !

I am officially tired of being inside ! The weather is getting warmer , the days are longer , and I’m ready to get back out there ! I wanna go on dates , I wanna share a cigarette outside of a bar with my friends, I wanna call up one of my hookup buddies at 2 in the morning and ask if I can come over . Never did I imagine I would be sitting inside of a house with no clear idea as to when this will all end . But I’m thankful . I’m thankful to everyone who reached out , I’m thankful for my health and the health of my loved ones , I’m thankful for Instagram live , alcohol, weed, and porn . This is a difficult time for us all .. some much more than others . But I think this has taught a lot of us to appreciate life more , and understand how delicate and fragile it is , and to say yes more often when friends ask you to hangout , call your family more , and take nothing for granted .

Loss of sexual interest

I have recently been overwhelmed with the idea of losing sexual interest with your partner. Now currently I don’t have an exclusive partner but I do have people I see on a regular basis and we have a sexual relationship. We do other shit and of course I’m attracted to them in other ways than sex but I don’t see myself wanting a marriage or kids with them. Anyways Ive had these kind of “hookups” or casual sex for the past 5 years I’ve been single and even before my relationship. For whatever reason 95% of these kind of just fade out. I LOSE INTEREST! I just wonder why? I still like them on a personal level but for whatever reason I just get tired of having sex with them. It starts to feel like a chore, and even worse the thought of it makes me cringe. I wish I knew why I suddenly lose interest. Or lose interest to the extent of just literally not even wanting a person to touch me, and find myself on the prowl for something new and exciting . Now when I was with my ex I loved him, like an obsessive kind of love. It Felt like I couldn’t live without him. I loved having sex, even when we were mad at each other I still wanted to have sex, which isn’t like me but I wanted that closeness with him. So that makes me think.. maybe if I love someone enough I won’t lose interest in them sexually and want to explore other options. Or maybe that strong love and desire with someone I love will also fade like it does in most marriages and long term commitments. Or maybe I’m a sex addict and always lookin for a new rush with someone new and exciting. Or maybe I’m scared of commitment and won’t love someone enough to actually want to put the effort in and not let It just die. I wish I knew. But I don’t. I would really love feedback on this one and opinions from people with the same or different perspective. Leave them below or inbox me on instagram.

Wasted Time

When people say time is precious we often overlook it. But that is a very real and true statement and being told to not waste your time, or value your time is some of the best advice you can receive. You just have to really receive it. Because that is such a general statement and rings true when it comes to anything , for the sake of my blog I will concentrate on romantic relationships.Imagine spending a life investing in the wrong person. Settling for good enough, or maybe not even that , just settling. Looking at life through a fish tank watching people flourish with their partners, watching them be happy, watching them be fulfilled. It doesn’t have to be like that. You can do bad on your own. Don’t stay with someone out of comfort, or Because you have kids, or Because you have hope in them. There’s a difference between having a rough patch and being in a rough relationship, and we all know the difference even if we try and lie to ourselves. Your time , Your youth, Your health, you can’t get that back. Don’t give that to the wrong person when chances are there is someone much more deserving of that time, someone who appreciates it, someone who invest in you the way you invest in them. One day you will look back and think about all the good years you wasted on the wrong person. They are just a PERSON. Yes you love them, maybe they can change , but why should you be used as a punching bag or a doormat until they do? Leave. GO! Because it will probably end eventually so why invest more days, months, years in this relationship?DO NOT waste your time. It’s the most valuable thing you have and we are all just borrowing it.

I love u so much it hurts

The title says it all.. I want someone to love me until it hurts. Do you guys know what I’m talking about? I want to love someone so deeply, so unconditionally , and so much that it hurts. Not hurts in a bad way but the kind of hurt that you physically feel it when they aren’t around you. You miss them so much it makes it almost impossible to be apart. I had this in my relationship which was the only one I ever had. He was my first love , we dated as kids and into adulthood. Man even as a 14 year old I knew the way I felt about him wasn’t normal. I fucking Loved him. I obsessively thought of him every waking moment. We ended up breaking up and reconnecting as adults . I was 20. When I saw him again for the first time in a long time I was just as in love with him as I was as a kid but even more. I remember excusing myself to go to the bathroom just so I could cry and beg a god I didn’t believe in to let this workout with him even if it isn’t right for me. (true story I begged god) . I then preceded to move across the country where he lived to be with him. Even though I loved him .. I didn’t love him the right way. We were both so immature and so passionate. It was a toxic dangerous kind of love. When we broke up I thought I would never recover. He didn’t love me as much as I loved him or perhaps in the way that I did. I told myself I would never love anyone else again. I’m 26 and I can assure you I will love someone else again just not like that. But I will love them with every ounce of myself . I will love them enough to give them space. To give them freedom. To let them be an individual. Everything I didn’t do in my past relationship. Love is not possession of a person it is an experience with someone. I wanna experience that with someone again. I wanna be so in love it pains me to be apart. But also love them enough to understand being apart is healthy and necessary . I just hope the next person I love , loves me back , because my heart can’t take loving the wrong person again.

Shake it off

More often than not we live in a delusion when it comes to dating… Sometimes it feels like we like him more than he likes us. We go on these great dates he makes us feel like we are the only woman in the room, that we are special. But more times than not we aren’t. When dating you have to know that a lot of times people are dating more than just one person, especially with online dating. Everything is so accessible and a lot of us are on the hunt through a jungle of endless men and women. So naturally we date as much as possible and “do our thang” until we find someone that sweeps us off our feet. Sadly for most women we are much more easily swept off our feet than men are. So that leaves us feeling like shit when a guy moves on and things die down. The thing i’ve learned is to not interalnize these situations. It’s not us, we aren’t a problem. He’s just not into you. He had fun and maybe you guys had a great connection for a night, a week, or a few months, but that doesn’t mean you two are meant to go the distance. Dating is about experience what you like and don’t like and just going with it. You don’t have to settle for every guy that shows you a good time and feels “good enough” so why sit up and stress about it? Stress about him? move on and find the perfect fit because the perfect fit is out there for you .

A perfect kind of love

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So I stayed up late even though I was tired to watch my best friend’s wedding.. You know the movie with the stunning Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz? Julia tries to take Cameron Diaz soon to be husband. It’s an amazing romantic comedy. Well so many things ring true in that movie. It talks about Julias inability to open up and be vulnerable or ‘lovey dovey’ and instantly it reminded me of myself ! It’s like I run away and reject the idea of love, romance , and sensitivity in my real life. Yet, I go home and watch romantic movies all night long. My all time favorite movie is Indecent Proposal which is about true love and man the ending gets me every time! I ball like a baby. Why am I like this? apart of me knows why but then the other part of me feels like well if I know why then why can’t I change? The truth is I want to be swept off my feet and experience true love. I want someone to sing badly to me , to dance with me in the street, to hold me, and to stare at me in the eyes without me feeling uncomfortable . Maybe a part of me feels like its not real.. Or if it is real it won’t last. It won’t turn into something long term, a part of me is also insecure . I can’t help but to wonder why any one would want me. I feel so unlovable. I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I was the optimistic openly hopeless romantic. Instead I hide my romantic side away and just continue to be a hard ass. I want so badly to change my ways . I want to be loved.

Over Extending

So since moving to New York I have been spreading myself thin and I don’t mean that in regards to time. Mentally and emotionally I feel overwhelmed . Sharing that energy with people, the new conversation and getting to know someone when I already made my mind up in the first five minutes of meeting them. I think most people can see red flags right away and we ignore them. I use to be that way blinded by looks, money, or just a charming personality. The problem with me is I have a hard time hurting peoples feelings as if telling them how I feel is going to just kill them. Truth is it won’t . They’ve just met me and have absolutely nothing invested. I can’t do that anymore. I don’t even want to date. I did meet a guy I like so why not just date him. I have always hated putting my eggs in one basket but truth is maybe I will and if it doesn’t go anywhere than so be it. It’s better than wasting energy I could be putting into myself on pointless people who I really believe I won’t have a future with.

Dating in our society

First off let me start by saying yes I am a millenial and I love being one. I think our generation definitely were a huge driving force in breaking down stereotypes, acceptance, and rebelling against societal norms. But have we gone to far ? I mean what happened to flowers on the first date? dinners even? Yes you do have people our age who still do it but it is few and far between. Now its just we swipe right and the next message in our tinder inboxes are ..” Wanna come over and hangout? ” or ” I want you to sit on my face” now again we all love sex for the most part and I love a fearless guy or girl but damn! lol clearly that person isn’t looking to marry me. But here I am looking for the love of my life on tinder. Maybe thats the problem? But between work, social life, and just being tired it’s hard to meet people the old fashion way. lets be honest .. I’m fairly normal so theres a pretty good chance most people on there are also normal. So whats the problem? why is it so damn hard to meet someone who is genuine and looking for the same thing I am? Maybe its not our generation maybe its me .